Looking back on 2009’s resolutions…

December 23, 2009

Coming out of 2008 with a lovely hangover cocktail of depression, alcohol, and extreme self-loathing, I had but the best of hopes for 2009. A new beginning, I remember telling myself: once the ball dropped and the bells sounded, I could return to happiness and start fresh. Changes were inevitable, and I was ready to greet them each with a sly smile and a slap on the ass.

So, one year on…

As with so many things (cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes), I am forever addiction-less. [I think this may be a more complex issue I need to address with my therapist, but the acceptance of it is suitable for the time being.] After beginning this blog with days of furious writing of entry after entry, I abruptly stopped. I regressed to my pre-new year sadness, thinking about Matt and love’s loss. More significantly, the whole affair dismantled the what-do-I-want-in-my-life scaffolding in my brain. What was once concrete and steel turned overnight into lego blocks and crazy glue. I began seeing my therapist at that time, something I thought I would never believe in/need to do. Then with a conversation to Matt, just one 2 minute phone call outside of Java City, the artisan’s were back at work rebuilding my emotional framework and forgetting the one who’d fucked it over.

I think that is an indication of my year overall. I live crisis to crisis. Moments of security found themselves outside my seconds of fear. And each time I forget what came before. Like last year I’m being vague, so let me just say it: I have emotional ADHD. Each month seems to bring something new to feel that drastically changes from the month before. Luckily, I pick a song for each new feeling to (pretty much) live through, helping me remembering where I once was and what state of mind I was in. If I was an actor, it would be so useful for the Method and emotional recall. Sad face = things that will never be.

Alas, I made a list of things to achieve in 2009. Damn my enthusiasm to make a readable blog. Did I succeed?

For my largest goal of having more fun: ABSOLUTELY, I DID! This year has been filled with so many great memories. And half of them I cannot even remember properly because they are soured with tequila, euphoria and sentimentality, a sexy little combo. And I do think that the smaller components of this goal helped push me into the winner’s circle. Check it out:

1. Drink more. Done and done. Even if the move to England did not facilitate this goal, I would have achieved it. Experiences like my moving away party (where waking up on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head meant the party was a success and that my friend’s care so much) and creating a make-shift wine bottle opener in San Francisco stick with me. Tesco runs at 2AM-5AM to pick up 30+ beers that would be consumed by 10AM…those are key.

2. Fresh fruit and vegetables. Also a success. The triathlon gave me a taste for the healthy items, which (though I’ve stopped running due to the cold) are still my main fuel. And they’re super cheap in Britain.

3. Take the stairs. Add it to #2’s triathlon training as a winner. And it improves the bone structure that is ever-vital.

4. New TV series. Glee. The Sopranos. Nurse Jackie. Prime Suspect. Etc. Too easy.

5. Travel more often. Yes and no. While I did go to London in February to visit the girls and travel to San Francisco with Katie, I did not make it to as many places as I would ideally like. I should also mention that enlightening weekend in (cough cough) South Jersey, which was lovely. I am not counting the move to England as part of this travel goal….that’s a freebie. An expensive freebie.

6. Making time for friends. Until recently, I doubt anyone would disagree that I did quite well in this. Desperately trying to maintain contact with dear ones before I left the country slowly eroded (without the internet) into a sad exercise into how pitiful facebook conversations can be. So, I do make amends.

7. Staying positive. Taking away late January to early February, as well as short periods about the rest of the year, I would argue that I have done remarkably well. I like to imagine that I am a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Unfortunately, I have heard told that I get into mood swings and entirely reject friends’ company. I have no defense for this except: watch out when I am angry- hell hath no fury (or such a short and sweet recovery time after) as Robert’s scorn.

My goals for next year are forthcoming. But I suspect that many changes will come. I am in a much different place from 2008 and feel compelled to go to an even more enjoyable and comfortable one. Nothing like that American ambition for bigger and better.


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